高情商的人是如何道歉的
- 周末大咖说 -
学会道歉是成长的必修课，是维持人际关系的必要技能；作为父母，从子女年幼时就对他们言传身教，教他们礼貌待人。但是你确定掌握了正确的道歉方式吗？你能教孩子成为一个会道歉、情商高的人吗？而你以为再为正常不过的道歉，其实有可能是错误的。
对孩子发脾气了，事后想对ta道歉，你会说……？
If you say to your children "I'm sorry I got angry with you, but …" what follows that "but" can render the apology ineffective: "I had a bad day" or "your noise was giving me a headache " leaves the person who has been injured feeling that he should be apologizing for his bad behavior in expecting an apology.
很多家长对孩子发脾气之后，心里会过意不去，然后对孩子道歉说：“对不起我对你发脾气了，但是我今天心情不好”或者“但是你吵得我头疼”等等，正是这“但是”后面的内容会让你的道歉变得毫无意义，反而会让孩子觉得他/她才是该为自己的行为道歉的人。
惹对方生气了，你会说……？
Another method by which people appear to apologize without actually doing so is to say "I'm sorry you're upset"; this suggests that you are somehow at fault for allowing yourself to get upset by what the other person has done.
“对不起让你生气了”，这句话看上去是一句道歉，然而实际并不是；这句话言外之意是说，你因为我做的一些事情而让自己不爽了，你自己也有错。
（Flora注：类似的还有I'm sorry you feel that way./I'm sorry you were offended. 这样的道歉会让对方觉得不真诚哦。）
“我真没用，都是我的错！”这样的道歉真的有用吗？
Then there is the general, all-covering apology, which avoids the necessity of identifying a specific act that was particularly hurtful or insulting, and which the person who is apologizing should promise never to do again. Saying "I'm useless as a parent" does not commit a person to any specific improvement.
这种360°全方位无死角的道歉其实是避而不谈真正错在哪里、具体做了哪些伤害或者冒犯了对方的事情，所以你还觉得这种道歉方式是真诚的吗？当父母道歉说“我真是个没用的爸爸/妈妈”，并没有告诉孩子自己哪里做错了，也没有给孩子承诺具体会有哪方面的改进，所以这种道歉非常的无力。
用以上的这些方式“假”道歉的人，可能潜意识里认为道歉是懦弱的表现，而真正情商高的人相信，道歉体现的是内心的强大。道歉必须是真心实意的，要让对方看到自己的诚意。
因此正确的道歉一般包含三个R—regret（后悔），responsibility（责任），remedy（补救）。
Regret
The desire to apologize needs to come from the realization that you have hurt someone or caused them some difficulty in their life.
你想要道歉，是因为你认识到了自己伤害到了他人，或者是给别人带来了困扰。
While your intention may not have been to hurt this person, you recognize that your action or inaction nevertheless did hurt or inconvenience them and for this, you feel bad. This regret or remorse needs to be communicated to the other person.
尽管你不是故意要伤害对方，但是你的行为确实给他造成了伤害或者不便，你意识到了这一点，因此内心过意不去。在道歉的时候，这种歉意或者悔恨就应该传达给对方。
"I am so sorry. I know I hurt your feelings and I feel terrible about it."
非常对不起，我知道我伤害了你的感情，我感到很过意不去。
"I deeply regret having hurt you."
非常抱歉，我伤害了你。
"I am truly sorry for the pain I caused you."
非常抱歉，给你带来了痛苦。
Responsibility
For an apology to be effective it must be clear that you are accepting total responsibility for your actions or inaction. Therefore, your apology needs to include a statement of responsibility.
如果想让道歉有效果，就一定要说清楚你会为你的所作所为承担全部的责任。因此，你的道歉中应该包含这一承担责任的部分。
"I'm sorry, I realize that by being late I made us miss the first part of the movie."
对不起，都是因为我迟到了，害得我们错过了电影的上半场。
"I'm sorry. I know it is difficult for you to trust people and my lying to you hasn't made it any easier. I shouldn't have lied no matter how afraid I was of your reaction."
对不起，我知道你很难相信别人，而我还对你说谎了。无论我有多担心你的反应，我都不该对你撒谎的。
"I'm sorry. You have every right to be angry with me. I shouldn't have said those words to you."
对不起，你完全有理由对我生气。我不该对你说那些话的。
Remedy
While you can't go back and undo or redo the past, you can do everything within your power to repair the harm you caused.
尽管你无法回到过去重新来过，但是你可以倾尽所能修复你所造成的伤害。
Therefore, a meaningful apology needs to include a statement in which you offer restitution in some way, an offer to help the other person, or a promise to take action so that you will not repeat the behavior.
因此，想要你的道歉变得真诚，可以在道歉的时候说明你会怎么做些弥补，比如提出给予对方帮助，或者许下承诺你再不会犯这个错误。
"I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. Next time the movie is on me."
对不起，让我补偿你吧。下次看电影我请客。
"I'm sorry for lying to you. I promise I won't do it again."
对不起，对你撒谎了。我保证再也不会有下次了。
"I'm sorry for talking to you like that. I'll work on letting you know when I don't like something instead of holding it all in and then exploding like that."
对不起，我不该那样跟你讲话。以后碰到不喜欢不情愿的时候，我会努力表达清楚，不会再像那样都埋在心底、然后大发脾气。
无论是教育子女的父母，还是想要提高人际交往能力的人，学会3R式（regret, responsibility, remedy）高情商的道歉都是很有必要。用真诚的道歉换来真心的谅解，生活一定更会美好。
对话框回复“早安”和“晚安"，英语君为你送上暖心问候